When You Compare and Compete, You Lose the Ability to Connect
We’re told to aim high, to achieve.
We set out into the world with lofty goals and work diligently towards achieving them.
Our confidence and self-esteem grows with every milestone we reach.
But the line between self-esteem and self-righteousness can be a fine one. It is easy to develop an inflated sense of self with each passing achievement.
This is why the Stoics warned against the applause of the crowd. “The emptiness of those applauding hands. The people who praise us; how capricious they are, how arbitrary”, wrote Roman philosopher king, Marcus Aurelius.
Identifying too closely with external validation renders one’s internal compass broken, for you are no longer aspiring to live in accordance with your values, but in accordance with what will temporarily secure the admiration of the crowd.
And with the applause of the crowd, inevitably, comes comparing others unfavourably with yourself.
And this is dangerous.
As Timothy Clark writes in The Four Stages of Psychological Safety, when you compare and compete, you lose the ability to connect.
You’re no longer seeing the other person as an equal, but as inferior.
This is further amplified by a cognitive bias we all hold called the fundamental attribution error — if someone else fails we think it’s because of their character, but if we fail it’s because of our circumstances.
Many high achievers I know struggle with this.
I’ve struggled with it.
I’m ashamed to say that I have found myself doing so, consciously or otherwise, with friends and even with romantic partners, and in both cases, the outcomes were far from positive — distancing from friends, either on their part or my own, as well as not just the breakdown of romantic relationships, but pain and suffering caused for people that I supposedly cared about and was supposed to provide moral and emotional support to.
I found myself unable to understand why said person didn’t work out religiously, or didn’t invest the same kind of energy into their career, or didn’t read as many books as I did — all petty reasons really.
And for all of my reading of books, especially on philosophy and emotional intelligence, I was still a sh*t person.
But here’s the thing, life exists across dimensions.
As a human being, your worth isn’t measured just by how many zeroes you have in your bank account, or degrees nailed to the wall of your study.
You are measured by so much more.
The way you live your life.
Larry King is one of the most decorated media personalities of all time but even he has been married eight times — twice to the same woman.
Success in one dimension doesn’t make you successful across all.
You might excel at some things, but you don’t excel at everything.
Similarly, the people you’re judging no doubt excel at some things too— you’re just not seeing them, or creating the space to see them.
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The WorkFlow podcast is hosted by Steve Glaveski with a mission to help you unlock your potential to do more great work in far less time, whether you're working as part of a team or flying solo, and to set you up for a richer life.
To help you avoid stepping into these all too common pitfalls, we’ve reflected on our five years as an organization working on corporate innovation programs across the globe, and have prepared 100 DOs and DON’Ts.
